You hurt. That’s what happens when you gain as much weight as I did. (NOTE – I put actual numbers in my previous post. I’m going to keep numbers out of this post.) I was having a hard time explaining this for today’s post. I mean, how in the heck does one’s body feel when they gain as much weight as I did in such a short period of time? It’s a shock to the system, that’s for sure.
Issues with gaining A LOT of weight quickly:
- I couldn’t digest anything. The food would sit in my belly for hours and hours at a time. I would wake up in the morning uncomfortably full form the previous evenings dinner. I developed raging heartburn that latest around 4 months. It was extremely uncomfortable and it made it really hard to eat to satisfaction because when you have heartburn, the things you crave you can’t necessarily eat because you know they will result in further heartburn. It’s a vicious cycle. I wanted “calm foods” like crackers, soups, plain white bread. But it’s like I was in the perpetual state of having an upset stomach and after a while, I was just over it. I reached out for help to combat the heartburn and eventually got help – more in another blog post.
- Old injuries came ROARING back. In my 20’s a had a job where I had to stand 14-16+ hrs a day. I developed something called “post-tibial tendonitis” which basically means the tendon running from down from the side of the leg all the way to my ankle bone was extremely inflamed. It hurt to walk, stand, etc. The treatment at the time was to get a brace to wear in my shoes, physical therapy to strengthen the muscles around the tendon, cortisone shots, and lastly (and the most effective treatment) quit the job that had me standing all day long – take the pressure off the tendon. As you can imagine, the amount of weight I gained caused the re-inflammation of the tendonitis which had been dormant for 20+ years. This one was HARD because I knew that the treatment that had worked best before (stop standing) wasn’t an option. I couldn’t “stop the extra weight” from causing pressure. I tried a new foot brace, physical therapy, cortisone shots and staying off my feet as long as possible. In the end, I took medication along with the cortisone to mitigate the pain. For me personally, it’s not a long term solution, but I don’t have a choice. This one was hard and still is.
- I had diastasis recti with both of my pregnancies. The gap wasn’t large enough to warrant any surgical treatment and instead I did physical therapy for about 1 year after my pregnancies to help. It was fine. I could function without pain and didn’t think anything of it. But again, after gaining the weight I aggravated the gap. Not surprisingly, a majority of my weight gain was in the stomach area. I looked and still look like I’m about 5-6 months pregnant. (Fun fact – I wore my maternity clothing for a while because I was so comfortable. I had to stop because I could not handle it anymore. It was very depressing for me to wear it. I eventually got the right sized clothing and wore that moving forward). I the diastasis recti now opens about 2-3 times a week and I have to sit back and push on the muscle to stop the pain. It’s right around my ribs and it hurts. I get therapy regularly and do what I can to make sure I’m on my back, but I pop it all the time doing simple things like tying my shoes.
- Speaking of simple things – I can’t do simple things. I was extremely depressed and sad when I realized I could not longer do simple things with ease. We’re talking about painting my own toe nails, cutting said toe nails and removing toe nail polish. I had a hard time shaving my legs and lets just go ALL OUT and say cleaning my body in the shower and being able to wipe my bottom after a bowl movement became challenging because I could no longer reach all the way back as my stomach and fat were now in the way. I also had a hard time climbing up on the kitchen counters to reach something high up or reaching behind the washer to grab a rogue sock. I also couldn’t move from the front seat to the back seat in our mini van and had a challenging time fitting into the back seat. I was big. I was uncomfortable and my fat was in the way of everything that I used to be able to so. Getting up from lying down or in a seated position required momentum to jump up.
- Always out of breath. This one was hard because BASIC things took the wind out of me. Going up the stairs to my bedroom often winded me and took like 5 minutes to catch my breath. I had a hard time walking in the grocery store without becoming winded. I get extremely HOT and SWEATY at the drop of a hat – think emptying the dishwasher, putting away groceries or folding the laundry. Any kind of physical exertion on my part equates my body thinking it’s running a marathon. I sweat everywhere in places I never used to – under my breasts, under my nose on my lip ridge, behind my ears, behind my knee caps, and under my various fat folds I now have. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing. I also can’t do the things with my kids that I used to be able to do. Taking a walk isn’t easy and I can only go for about ½ a hour before my ankles and legs start to hurt. Riding my bike is difficult (Easier after I got a WIDE bike seat) but again, I can only last about half the time I used to. And I am trying, boy and I trying. I didn’t want to be that Mom who couldn’t have fun with her kids.
- Always tired, like ALWAYS. I can now look back and realize that COVID was the best thing that ever happened in terms of opportunity to REST. I was home & unemployed, my kids were doing online school and we were in some sort of state of lockdown where we could only go to the grocery store and back. Most, if not all forms of recreation were shut down. I really had nowhere to go. So I was able to rest. And REST a lot because my body was exhausted. There were times I woke up, got my kids breakfast, signed them in online for school and went back to bed. Not to sleep, but to rest my body because it was always SORE and in PAIN. Everything was aching. My back, my legs, my arms, my sides; my extra fat even hurt – was painful to the touch, almost like a neurological response. I took Tylenol to help, but it was short lived. I was miserable and still able. The pain shifted from one body part to the next like a never ending cycle. It started with intense upper back pain (saw a chiropractor and purchased a new mattress) but it didn’t make it go away. After about 3-4 months, the pain moved to the hips, then lower back, then feet/ankles (on top of my tendonitis there), then shoulders, then thighs then calves then intense migraines for 3-4 days at a time. And when the pain would stop it would just jump to the body part. I live with some sort of pain every single day of my life. It’s miserable and depressing.
- Body Dysmorphia. This one is still hard to this day. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, naked, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really notice any changes anymore. I don’t like what I see (never did) but acknowledge that I can’t do anything to change it and instead take on the neutral approach of appreciating what my body is doing for me rather than relying on it’s appearance to make me feel better. This is REALLY hard when everyone around you is telling you, “no, actually, you look horrible and you don’t look good”. This came from my family members – they all made sure to tell me that I looked horrible with my weight gain. I also noticed that I was being stared at a lot more in public. I didn’t understand why because in some ways I still saw myself as my original pre-ED weight. It was only when I walked passed a mirror in a store or saw my reflection in a store window that I realized, oh yeah, you’re actually a plus-sized woman now. I do not have a good relationship with my reflection. I went to a baptism recently and the mom had a video montage done of the event. I saw the video and was mortified – I didn’t even recognize myself.
- Judgement/No Support. This one was and still is HUGE in my life. I will do a separate blog post outlining how my relationships changed significantly when I gained weight and pursued recovery. For now, let me just say that I do not have a SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE who accepted my recovery and weight gain (non-professional, of course). They all think I’m crazy and that I’m now a fat, plus-sized woman who walks around like it’s ok to look the way I do. This has been the most painful part for me, hands down. It revealed how the people closest to me rejected me simply based on the size of my body and shamed me constantly for the “wrong decision” I made. I have had the hardest time coming to peace with this.
- Clothing. I remember when I was gaining weight and needed to buy larger sizes I kept saying to myself that as long as I stayed in normal sized clothing (for me this definition meant, does Costco have my size, lol) I was ok. I’ll never forget when I outgrew the sizes my local Costco had – I was wearing too tight leggings for a while and refused to get plus size clothing. My therapist encouraged me to purchase clothing that fit – but that meant I was now plus-sized. I panicked at the thought – WHAT? I’m not plus sized?!?! But I was, and still am. I still wear leggings and over-sized shirts (I REFUSE TO SHOW MY STOMACH) but now I’m wearing the right sizes. My clothing is no longer restricting, but it’s overflowing and large because I still need to cover myself up. I have to purchase most of my clothing online. That means a lot of returns too because I don’t know what size I am at different stores. It changes all the time. I’ll most likely do a blog post on clothing and where I get it because I know that was a struggle for me.
- Self worth/Self-love. Ummm, so this plummeted, to zero. Can I say below zero? Because that’s where it went. I mean NONE of us have self-worth if we are starving ourselves and talking negative about our bodies and who we are. So what happens when you have someone who hates themselves already and have them gain a crap-tone of weight? What do you think is going to happen? You’re going to hate yourself even more, that’s what! And I did. For a long time. I’ll tell you about the moment when this switch went off for me – when I realized I was begging for the bare minimum when all of a sudden I realized it didn’t matter what anyone else thought.