So my dieting history. It’s not too complicated. I grew up what one would consider normal sized. Was an active kid who played soccer, baseball and volleyball and enjoying riding my bike and being outdoors. For context, I was born in 1978 which at the time of this blog post puts me at 43 years old.
I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I looked…..until 8th grade. A boy who had transferred in who was “the coolest kid ever” made a comment about the fact that I didn’t have a knee cap. Well, this made me think -was this an insult or an observation (30 years later, I know it was an observation, but the damage had been done – that was the first insult to my body). I don’t remember dieting in high school I was active enough. I remember there being a cafeteria in my school for the first time and I ate the French fries and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies like everyday – they were delicious! I never got French fries or cookies at home. And on the RARE occasion a treat was brought into the house, I had to compete with my brothers for the goods. And of course, I was always told I wasn’t allowed to eat as much as my brothers, because, after all, “you’re a girl”.
I graduated high school and went off to college and again, I don’t ever remember restricting or dieting very much. I was certainly aware of it – my mother was constantly dieting – she tried ALL the diets popular in the 70s (cabbage soup, slim fast, etc….) To this day whenever I smell cinnamon gum, it makes me think of her because she use to chew it constantly to suppress her appetite. When everyone talked about gaining “the freshman 15” I don’t remember feeling like I gained weight. My first year college roommate was a no-nonsense, tell it like it is kinda girl. I remember getting ready for class, dreaming about my latest crush & telling her all about him. She looked me over up & down and said “you’re never going to get him looking like that”. I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. I felt great and the lecture halls were always so cold all the time. But yeah, she was right, why in the world would he like me looking like this (True story, I found out decades later he had a massive crush on me and neither of us had the guts to tell one another – so f*ck off roomie, he couldn’t have cared less what I was wearing)
I guess it was getting the attention of my crush that first got me into what was my first restrictive eating pattern. At the dining hall I made sure to have salad, like tons of salad. And if I’m being completely honest, with the salad bar spread our dining hall had, it was really good! But I wasn’t eating it because it was good, I was eating salads to lose weight so that my crush would find me attractive. It was around this time that I stopped being active – I mean, the transition from high school to university is tough – I actually had to study, a lot. So sports and exercise were put on the backburner and I did gain weight that year.
While I lost the guts to ask my crush out, I also got a lot of attention from guys! And whoa, that was ALL new for me. I was brought up by a very strict mother who didn’t let me date anyone, ever. So this was all new for me. I learned, from the guys, that the more time I put into my appearance, the more attention I got. And that “skinner” girls got more attention that “fatter” girls. So a pattern started – I would try really hard to keep my weight in check from Sept-May and then when the summer came along, I would starve myself and exercise and loose a bunch of weight and then put it all back on during the school year because I couldn’t exercise at the same intensity or as long.
This went on until last year of university – that was when I had my first “serious boyfriend” and instead of exercising and working off the previous years weight gain, I had to “gasp” spend time with him! It was the worst kind of relationship because he was controlling and abusive and looking back, was horrific. But I didn’t know that, then. Moving on, he dumped me before I left for graduate school. It was a really hard start at my new school (in a different country at that) because I started off what I would consider fat because I didn’t have a chance to diet that summer.
Hello, Dr Atkin’s. When I got to graduate school, this diet was ALL the rage and I jumped on the bandwagon with both feet in. And it worked, like a charm. I didn’t have to exercise (which was great because school was HARD) and I could control my weight with food. And it worked. For a really long time. I would eat low carb during the week and when I would go out on weekends I’d drink and eat whatever and start again on Monday mornings. By Wednesday, I’d lost the weight I’d gained over the weekend. It worked amazingly well. At the end of graduate school, I’d met my now husband and we started our lives together.
I’ll never forget getting ready for my wedding. At this point, I still wasn’t exercising – because I hated it. And if I’m being honest, I didn’t need to exercise to keep my weight down. Months before my wedding I was having an Atkin’s shake for breakfast and dinner and a salad for lunch. Maybe 600 calories a day? It worked like a charm and I made it down to 130 lbs for my wedding day (for reference I’m 5’6). That was the smallest I’d ever be again – but I didn’t know it at the time. That was also the weight I compared all subsequent weights against. That when I stepped on the scale, would be compared to 130 lbs for the rest of my life.
While on my honeymoon I devoured the delicious foods and ate to my hearts content. And of course, after eating 600 calories a day for months, I gained like 10 lbs in the 3 weeks we were there. For context, I was also SO active, walking everywhere, hiking, etc. And my meals weren’t excessively large, so it sucked. I remember being so uncomfortable on the plane ride back because my clothes were so tight. Went I got back, I immediately went back on my Atkin’s low carb-diet and the cycle continued.
While I was pregnant, I somehow gave myself unconditional permission to eat whatever I wanted. After all, I was carrying a BABY and I couldn’t diet and harm him or her. So, I ate whatever, whenever, I wanted and gained 65 lbs in 9 months. I remember weighing in at 205 lbs at the hospital before I gave birth. I also chose to breastfeed and again, for some reason I said to myself that I couldn’t diet while breastfeeding. Now a lot of women will tell you the pounds dripped off of them while breastfeeding. That was NOT the case for me and I stayed around 180 lbs for the entire year I breastfeed. As soon as my son was weaned, I went back on my low-carb diet AND for the first time in my life, started exercising too. I got a jogging stroller and ran with him every day, 7 days a week. And not surprisingly, I got down to about 140 lbs. I made that my “new goal” weight because I read somewhere that you should add 10 lbs to your goal weight after having kids as your body changes and you’ll never get back down to pre-pregnancy weight. So 140 became the new goal.
And so began another cycle in my life. I would reach 140 with low-carb and running and as soon as I would reach it, I would “allow” myself to have forbidden foods. Atkin’s used to call this phase 2 and 3 if I remember? I would add in fruits “in moderation” and then I’d lose all control and binge eat WHATEVER I wanted. I determined that I had to stay in Phase 1 for the rest of my life because I couldn’t be trusted with eating other foods without losing control.
So I would get off my diet for special occasions – birthdays, Christmas, holidays (Halloween to Christmas was like 2 months of free fall because it seemed like every weekend I’d be able to come off my diet due to a Christmas party or something else) and that was my life. On and off for decades. I had another child and again, gave myself permission to eat and gained the same – around 65 lbs with her too. And again breastfed her and again didn’t lose a pound. I lost it all and made it to 140 again and started the cycle once more. I’d say I consistently gained and lost about 30-40 lbs yo-yoing between 140-180. I remember that 160 was my “get your shit in gear” number where I had been off low-carb too long and let myself go; usually after Christmas.
Part II next……