I’m tired

I’m not in the best place right now and I want to share that with you all. Just because I understand recovery and just because I’m doing the work of recovery, it doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. I hate recovering. It’s not the rainbows and unicorns everyone talks about. Recovery has been hard, too hard in fact most of the time. I’m so tired of everything.

I’m tired of waking up sore and in pain from my hips, joints, ankles and other things that arose after I gained my recovery weight (please see Blog Post entitled: Here comes the weight gain).

I’m tired of my never ending acne breakouts.

I’m tired of my heartburn.

I’m tired of my tiredness. I’m always having to lay down because my body is exhausted.

I’m tired of shopping for clothing online

I’m tired of trying to look at my body and seeing its beauty

I’m tired of challenging my negative thoughts

I’m tired of mirror work

I’m tired of positive affirmations

I’m tired of talking to my inner child

I’m tired of my abusive marriage and want out but can’t find a way

I’m tired of ZERO support from my family

I’m tired of my friends not “talking about it” when we get together

I’m tired of not having a job and not knowing what I want to do for work

I’m tired of worrying that my daughter will get an eating disorder

I’m tired of explaining myself to other people

I’m tired of being scared to go to my family doctor due to fat shaming

I’m tired of worrying about flying and not fitting in the seat

I’m tired of not wanting to exercise even though I “should”

I’m tired about making sure my meals are balanced

I’m tired about watching what I say around my kids with respect to food

I’m tired of reading self-help books

I’m tired about wondering why my overshoot weight never went down

I’m tired I’m always out of breath

I’m tired of being scared when seeing people for the first time after my weight gain

I’m tired of my body healing and annoyed it’s taken so long

I’m tired of hearing about fat phobia, the patriarchy and fat activism

I’m tired of journaling

I’m tired of seeing thin, white, beautiful people all over the internet tell me about intuitive eating and weight loss

I’m tired of seeing people who lost their overshoot weight

I’m tired of trying to find myself again after an emotionally abusive marriage

I’m tired of my lack of self-confidence and self-love

I’m tired that, despite how hard I try, I still don’t find fat attractive.

I’m tired of being lonely in a loveless marriage

I’m tired of trying to break the habit of finding my value in other people’s opinions

I’m tired of waking up in a fog, waiting for something to change.

I’m tired of always trying to force myself to cherish what my body can do for me instead of what it looks like.

I’m tired of not being able to cut my own toe nails because my stomach it too big

I’m tired of not being able to keep up with my kids playing

I’m tired of being tired. I’m so beyond frustrated.

I’m tired of wanting my life to be anything than what it is right now.

I’m tired of blaming God (or your higher power) for why he chose me to get an ED

I’m tired of feeling unloved, unworthy, despised and devalued

I’m just so tired of living this life in an obese body. It was never supposed to be this way when I started recovery. I followed ALL the rules. I did everything right. I didn’t get stuck in quasi recovery. I rested (heck I even quit my job!) I ate everything I wanted and in whatever quantities I wanted. I stopped exercising. I got my lab work done.

Life is supposed to be better on the other side of recovery, right? IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER, RIGHT? RIGHT? It is not. I am depressed, miserable, I lost my marriage, have zero support (actually, hatred) from my family, and have friends who are superficial and not true friends. I feel like the ONLY way out is to go back to restriction, but here’s the kicker. I CAN’T ANYMORE. My brain will not even let me THINK about it. Sure, there may be some unintentional restriction here and there (eating fast; out the door, eating later than normal, etc..) but, it’s hard to explain, even the thought of thinking about restricting on purpose is almost non-existent. It’s like my brain quickly captures and whooshes away the thought. I can’t even follow-through on it.

I had a realization today – I’ve been waiting SO LONG for this overshoot to release, that maybe, just maybe, it’s not supposed to. That ALL of the information out there regarding overshoot and set-point after anorexia recovery doesn’t apply to atypical anorexia. That my set-point weight is now in this obese and plus-sized body. Oh how I don’t want it to be – I DON’T want it to be! But I have no choice! And it makes me SO ANGRY. Why in the world, or rather, how in the world could my body be happy here? How is it happy with its everyday life? Pain everywhere – knee, back, rib, ankle, hip, etc pain? Its skin is dry, itchy, acne everywhere. Its digestion is weak – bloated at night, excessive flatulence at all times of day, heartburn after eating toast and butter. Hair is dry, stringy and unhealthy. Nails are brittle and peel. The only thing that I would say is better regulated, is my period. It now comes consistently every 26-27 days like clockwork. My mental health is in shambles, my personal life a joke and I resent my kids when they just want to play because I’m tired all the time. I’m all alone, have ZERO support and can’t afford to pay anyone anymore. They are just going to tell me what I already know. My body is where it is and if it means I’m now obese then I will have to learn to live with it.

Recovery is supposed to be better right? Well, I’m here to tell you I’m proof that it’s 100% NOT better. And it’s ok if you aren’t either. Do I regret perusing recovery? At this point, I would unequivocally ay that yes, I regret it with every fiber of my being.