My previous entry outlined my life for about 20 years. I was binge eating, sometimes almost every weekend (which I know now was simply my body’s way of telling me I was HUNGRY and starving; more on that later). But it kept my weight in check, enough, for me to be considered “normal” or “curvy” sO no one cared or noticed the dangerous path I was going down.
By this point I was no longer eating breakfast; it had been a good 5-7 years. Instead I replaced it with a good old cup of coffee (with Splenda and cream, thank you very much!) I normally tried to wait as long as possible to have lunch – it was like I’d won something the longer I waited…sigh. I’d eat 2 meals a day, just protein and veggies, for decades. It took me a long time to enjoy eating vegetables again (and I do!).
I was working in a clinic when I first heard about intermittent fasting. It was ALL the rage back then, and unfortunately still is today, uggg. And I was fascinated by it. First of all, I was already skipping breakfast so I was doing “it right”. All I had to do was start pushing my lunch further and further into the afternoon until I was eating only ONE meal a day! I did it and was able to sustain that for about 2-3 years. I was doing “dirty fasting” which meant that I was using crutches to help me NOT eat for long periods that technically you weren’t supposed to use. I used Splenda in my coffee, I used cream in my coffee. I drank sugar free Gatorade and sugar free soda/pop. I also chewed sugar free gum. These were all used to suppress my appetite.
Eventually I got down to one meal a day. I don’t remember it being too hard after a while. I mean my body just stopped communicating with me. I never really felt hungry anymore, I didn’t get hunger pangs anymore (I remember being SO PROUD of that) and my meal was always a protein and a vegetable, repeat – over and over. Sure, I’d have thoughts like “Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? When will I be able to eat what I want without going crazy and stuffing my face?” But I’d always tell myself that this was the hand that God dealt me – some people live in poverty, some people have no food to eat, some people can’t afford to get an education – I treated my inability to keep my weight down if I ate normal as some sort of penance or punishment that was handed down to me from my family. How untrue was that?!?! But at the time, it was the only way I could get through weeks, years and decades of starving myself.
So, can we all agree that intermittent fasting is now a fancy way to say anorexia? I mean, the entire goal is to eat less and less food and try to go longer and longer between meals. There were Facebook groups I joined were people were doing 7, 14, 30….. day fasts and posting their incredible results of weight loss. NEVER and I repeat, NEVER did it even occur to me that this was anorexia. All these people “looked” normal. And if I’m being honest, they looked great because they lost so much weight afterwards.
I don’t know what triggered me to dig deeper into restricting. I was having significant problems in my marriage (more on that later) and my oldest child had been diagnosed with a mental health disorder that was taking its toll. Whatever the case, I really did it because I wanted to lose more weight. I remember weighing myself and recording it in my journal and I was 160 lbs. So, if you recall from my previous history, this was my “get your shit together weight” where I had to start a diet. But the thing is, I’d been only eating 1 meal a day for years (And of course bingeing on the weekends) so I was VERY frustrated that I couldn’t get back down to 140 like I wanted.
I tried skipping my one meal so I was only eating dinner once every 2 days. It was excruciatingly difficult. I was chugging sugar free anything drinks to help me. I think at one point I was drinking 3-5 cups of coffee, 4-5 Gatorade and my dinner would be a diet orange crush. I also ate so many sugar free candies, and got diarrhea afterwards from all the sugar alcohols. But dammit, I was doing what all the intermittent fasting websites said to do (although I felt awful because I couldn’t just do a “water fast” like the “real fasters” were doing).
Cue the pandemic. Schools went to online learning, I was sent to work from home and all hell broke lose. You wanna know what I was thinking? “Now I don’t have to pretend to eat in front of my colleagues”. I used to bring an empty lunch box to trick them into thinking I was eating. I made excuses that I wanted to take a walk and eat on a park bench. That didn’t work when once of my co-workers offered to do it with me. I had to fake forgetting my lunch that day. Eventually I told them I was stressed out and went to eat in my car. I went to my car, but I never ate. Just played on my phone.
Now that I was home from work, the only person I had to trick was my husband. And that was soooo easy. After all, like I mentioned above we were (and still are) having an extremely difficult time in the marriage. He couldn’t have cared less what I was eating and to be honest, if it resulted in weight loss, he was all for it.
Eventually I got to the place where I was eating 3 meals a week. My guess I was consuming about 1500 cal a week, more or less. I was miserable. I was tired. I was weak, I was irritable. And……I was pissed that I wasn’t losing weight faster.
Around this time, I had some routine blood work done at the doctors and they found abnormal thyroid levels. I had an ultrasound to check for thyroid cancer and was eventually sent to a thyroid specialist who suggested I go on medication. I’m not sure why I said no. Maybe deep down I knew this had to do with my eating (or lack there of?). I am aware now that my abnormal thyroid levels were directly correlated to it shutting down because I was starving myself. Ironic how none of the doctors I saw even thought to ask me about my diet. Probably because I didn’t look like someone who was starving myself. Cue medical bias here…..we’ll save that for another time.
So there I was, eating 3 meals a week. Working from home. Navigating my kids doing online school. Having issues in my marriage. Not seeing anyone. Not going anywhere. It was both a blessing and curse because now I could hid my eating indefinitely and no one would know. But I was stressed OUT.
I ended up quitting my job in the summer of 2020 (long story that isn’t really relevant) but it matters for context because it was causing a lot of stress for me. So let’s paint a picture for you. I was unemployed (but exhausted so I guess I was kinda ok with it?) My kids went back to school that September. I was at home, alone (well my husband worked from home but stayed in his office) and for the first time in my life since about 16 years old I actually had some free time…..and I weighed myself.